It feels most fitting for the first entry to be about my evolved (and evolving) perspective toward gratitude, acceptance, and balance as I reflect on how I even came to start a blog. I have found myself in a uniquely balanced position in my life so far, which I attribute to my shift in perspective.

I’ve lived a very colourful life, and with living a colourful life, I have in turn developed a vast emotional landscape. My academic background in psychoanalysis, psychotherapy, philosophy, and art has assisted in my ability to explore and articulate it. Before I venture into how wonderful it is to finally feel content in my life as a result of my shifted perspective, I feel it is appropriate to share my journey to getting there.

Love, light and delusion

There’s something particularly annoying about someone who exclusively operates from a gracious, love and light, everything happens for a reason and that reason is always good-esque place. Make no mistake, I have been in this place, and I can now safely say I have graduated from it.

My graduation from optimistic imbalance came following a series of unfortunate events in my early 20s that sent me down a bit of a spiral. I had a growing scholarly interest in the universe, modern spirituality, and astrology, like many others of my generation. My knowledge of each was relatively shallow; however, I felt I had an intrinsic understanding of what the various schools of thought offered. I borrowed the bits of each that resonated with me, discarded the others, like a buffet of thoughts. I appreciated the concept of manifestation, dabbled in “The secret”, the law of assumption, and (attempted) unwavering optimism.

Despite my psychic position being “everything will always be great,” I was then hit with the previously mentioned series of unfortunate events that did not align with the mantras I followed. The things that happened contradicted my manifestations and assumptions, leaving me disillusioned by how I thought life ‘worked’ and what was ‘meant for me.’ I held this illusory omnipotence (read Winnicott if you’re interested in this concept) that I could simply will the outcomes of my life if I manifested enough and only thought positively. I recall being in a particularly challenging place, crying to my partner about it, then following up with a “but it’s okay, I’m still grateful for XYZ.” I found this puzzling. It seemed I was no longer able to feel bad without needing to express gratitude. I would tie a metaphorical pretty bow around my metaphorical steaming hot pile of shit. It was almost as if being upset was in opposition to gratitude.

Why do ‘we’ struggle with optimism?

Earlier, I mentioned the annoyance I now feel toward those exclusively (presenting) optimistic people; I’d like to elaborate on why I feel this frustration and perhaps why others do too. Firstly, before being ‘one of those people,’ I found it frustrating as I just could not believe nor accept that anyone else could be so unaffected by life’s many challenges. It enraged me because I could not imagine being that happy while there were many things for me to be happy about, I was miserable, and there were many things for me to be miserable about. Seeing someone supposedly float through life on this fluffy cloud of optimism strongly opposed where I was and where I thought I would be; the cloud and the person on it seemed so painfully out of reach. I believe this may be the case for others’ distaste (if you’re into psychoanalysis, one may liken this wish to the ego ideal).

I believe my present frustration toward the fluffy cloud stems from the disservice it offered me. Not being able to sit with the ‘bad,’ the challenging, and the painful was unhelpful. I felt unequipped to tolerate these inevitable occurrences. For many years, I had built the resilience for sitting in discomfort, to the point where I was too comfortable. Now, I found myself extremely uncomfortable in the discomfort; I had swung from one end of the spectrum to the other.

Balance

If you’re into astrology, I’m a Libra rising; if you’re not into astrology, I’m someone who craves balance and harmony. It’s only fitting that being on either side of the spectrum is not advantageous to me, and I would argue this to be the case for most people (perhaps). Journeying through both extremes and finding equilibrium is undoubtedly where I have made peace and found contentment in my present life. There are many things in my life to be grateful for, and there are subsequently many things in my life that I struggle to find gratitude for (at least in the immediate future) and attribute to being part of an upcoming happy ending. Acceptance of the light and the dark, the binary good and bad, has offered me such satisfaction in my present circumstances. There’s not much of a conclusion to this, and this is not meant to be a guiding sentiment on how to live life, as I find advice about such things controversial (pending blog entry), but hopefully, I’ve left you with something think about, and if not, here’s a question for you:

How would you navigate the balance between accepting life’s challenges, maintaining a sense of gratitude and optimism, without denying your ‘true’ feelings?